Hollow Years, Part II
Posted on July 27th, 2004 by Ian Blackthorne

Ian Blackthorne and Sarina Ja’ral

His eyes opened at 0800 hours. Ian never needed an alarm clock; he always woke up at precisely 0600 when he had to work. On other days, he’d let himself sleep in, to the lazy hour of 0800, like today.

It took him a moment to realize that he wasn’t aboard the Atlantis, but in his temporary quarters aboard Starbase One while the Atlantis was in for refit. His bed and all of his things were there, and they were VIP quarters, but they still didn’t feel like home. Remembering the events of last night aboard the Starbase’s holodeck and later in this very room, he turned his head to see if she was still there.

A smile spread across his lips as his eyes fell on Sarina, asleep beside him. Retrieving his arm from the tangle of covers, he reached over and gently touched her cheek. “Good morning, Sarina,” he said quietly.

She came awake slowly, the dream she’d been having fading quickly as her sense came alive. Warm skin lay against her cheek and she heard his voice, quiet, but sure. The previous night’s events came flooding back. Dinner and then their sparring in the holdeck that had turned into so much more. He was there, lying beside her. The bed was soft, the sheets silky smooth. She lay with her body touching his. Gods. “Ian,” she breathed, rolling onto her side.

“Did you sleep well?” he asked, taking her hand.

Too close. He was too close. Too tempting. She fought an urge to snuggle closer to him, to give in to the heat that even now curled in her stomach. She slid back a bit. “Yes,” she admitted. “Did you?”

“Oh yes… it’s hard not to after a night like that.”

“Glad I could be of service.” She slid completely away from him and got out of the bed, not bothering with trying to cover up. He’d seen all of her, in fact had explored every inch of her, the previous night. She looked around the room, trying to find all her clothes. “It won’t take me long to get out of here.”

“Sarina, you’re on leave… you don’t need to rush off.”

“Look, last night was great. We had a good time.” She grabbed her underwear off a chair and put them on. “But it was one night and it can’t be anything more.”

Ian looked like he’d been slapped across the face. “Why not? It’s something that we both want.”

She grabbed her shirt off the floor and pulled it over her head. “Because you’re the Admiral and I’m an Ensign for one thing.”

“That’s a non-issue, I assure you.” He swung his legs over the bed and reached over to find his boxers on the floor. Putting them on, he said, “I may be an Admiral, but I’m still just a guy.”

Coffee. She needed coffee. She crossed the room to the replicator. “Do you drink coffee?”

“Yes, strong and black,” he replied. It would take a strong cup of black coffee to get through this.

“Two coffees, black.” The cups appeared on the pad and she picked them up. He was just as sexy standing there in his boxers as he was naked. Gods. If she could just force her mind away from remembering what he looked like, what he felt like without them. She walked back over to him and handed him a cup. “I’m in your CoC. You’re not just any man and you know it.”

“That only matters if we let it. We can make this work, Sarina.” He watched her over the rim of the coffee cup as he took a sip.

He wasn’t making this easy. He was watching her, waiting for her to betray some sign of the turmoil she felt inside. Her stomach had tied itself in a knot and if she hadn’t been controlling so tightly, her hands would be shaking. “And what if I don’t want it to work?” The words came out with only the barest hint of a tremor. She wondered if he’d know the lie for what it was.

“Your mind betrayed you last night.” He put the cup down on his dresser and walked over to her. “I could sense that you want someone again, just as I do.”

She shook her head, trying to deny what she felt. “It was a momentary lapse. Lust gone out of control.”

“I don’t believe you,” he answered, looking directly into her eyes.

“There’s someone else,” she threw out, trying desperately to convince both herself and him that she didn’t care, wouldn’t care.

“If there were someone else, you wouldn’t have wanted someone so badly.”

“Dammit, why can’t you just let it alone?” She tried to move around him, the cooling coffee forgotten in her hand. The cup sloshed as she jerked and coffee spilled onto the carpet.

“Why can’t you just admit what you want?” He let her pass, but kept watching her, hoping she would come around.

“Because I don’t want to want you.” She spun around and faced him. It had only been one night, but the connection was so strong. It had begun as they’d talked over dinner, it had continued as they sparred and it had culminated in a night … a night like she hadn’t had since … She cut off the thought. “I had someone once, someone who made me feel like you do. Dammit, how can this be?”

“So have I! So has everyone else! This angst you feel over your loss isn’t unique to you, it’s part of life, Sarina! What makes us alive is the fact that we move on, always striving to have those wonderful feelings again.”

“Angst? You think all I feel is angst?” She threw the coffee cup at the wall and heard it shatter. “You have no idea what it’s like to love someone and lose them. To know they were tortured and killed. And you want me to let you in?” She was shaking and crossed her arms over her chest at least in part to keep from going into his arms. “If I feel like…I do…after one night..what would it be like after a week? A month?”

He stared right into her eyes, oblivious to the destruction she was wreaking on his new quarters. “Refusing to admit your feelings for someone for fear of losing them is nothing but angst!”

“It’s called keeping myself safe. You’re too dangerous. And you don’t even care that I’ve been seeing your Chief Engineer. Nor are you thinking about the fact that you just lost someone.” Something. Anything. She had to have something to hang onto before she got swept away in a tidal wave of emotion.

“Of course I’m thinking about the fact that I just lost someone. But when presented with a chance to move on with my life and be happy again, I would choose to take it, despite any risk of losing it.”

She sighed, trying to hold back the sob that was welling up inside her. She hadn’t cried in years, she wasn’t going to start now. “I’m here. I’m convenient. You don’t really care about me.”

“If that were true, I would have let you walk out the door without arguing.”

“I don’t want to fall in love with you,” she said stubbornly.

“You’re lying to both of us.”

It was just too much. Standing there across from him when she wanted to be in his arms. Denying the storm of feelings he set off in her. The memories of the previous night. “Ian,” she whispered.

Hoping she had finally admitted her feelings to herself, Ian walked up to her and took her in his arms. “Yes, Sarina?”

Her arms went around him immediately and she burrowed closer to him, her head resting on his chest. “Are you always this stubborn?” she said, her voice muffled against him.

“I’m stubborn?” he laughed.

She looked up at him and smiled. “Yes, you stubborn. Any other man would have let me walk out of here.” She leaned up to kiss him, marveling once more at the tingle that ran through her. “One thing though. Okay, maybe two.”

Her kiss reassured him that she would stay. “Alright.”

“I don’t want to broadcast this to the crew, at least not until we’re sure this is going somewhere.” She covered his mouth with her hand to stifle the protest she was sure would come. “But I need to tell Adam that there is someone else in my life.” She removed her hand and kissed him again. It was becoming an intoxicating habit, tasting him. “And two,” she paused trying to decide if she’d be asking too much, too soon. “We have leave. I want to spend at least part of it with you.”

He smiled, both at her kiss and that she wanted to spend leave with him. “That’s fine. Wouldn’t have it any other way.”

She took a deep breath, wondering if she’d just asked for more pain. “If this doesn’t work, for whatever reason, I want you to promise me that you’ll give me a transfer off of Atlantis. Without an argument.”

Since most relationships didn’t work out, he was reluctant to agree, not wanting to transfer off a good doctor if it could be avoided. But, hoping that she’d develop an attachment to the ship and her crew by the time any break-up happened, he answered, “Alright.”

She nodded, trusting him to keep his word. “It would be too difficult for both of us.” Practical. Sensible. Logical. All things she didn’t feel at the moment. “I’m starving. Feed me, Admiral. Please?” She smiled up at him, a wicked gleam in her eyes.

Noting the growl in his own stomach, he walked over to the replicator. “Well, we can have something from the replicator for now, and then go somewhere nicer for lunch and dinner. What would you like? I replicate a mean omelet.” He turned to look at her and saw the look was still in her eyes. “After breakfast!”