The Return of the Past
Posted on May 18th, 2003 by Sullivan Ruffian and Allen Zinthys

This wasn’t how she had planned that it would happen. In her mind she had pictured the scene all too clearly. She would be dressed in her full Captain’s garb with her new pips gleaming brightly in the artificial light, he in his Marine uniform and his Major’s pips shining but not so brightly as hers. She would hold her head up high and proudly, her ice grey eyes meeting his in a silent challenge. A gaze so fierce that he would be the one to look away first. It was a daydream that she would allow herself when her anger and resentment were boiling beneath the surface of her pale, cool skin.

In the end, she did understand and understood all too clearly. He had spoken of it before in vague terms, terms as nebulous and fuzzy as the relationship that they had been alternately pursuing and avoiding. However, she couldn’t believe it when they had docked for the refit and she had received the brief and impersonal message that he had left her, letting her know as executive officer for the USS Atlantis that he had been temporarily reassigned to the Marine contingent of StarFleet for training and admission into their officer’s program. She had been expecting it actually. Maybe not this exact event, but one like it that would allow him a graceful exit from her life.

It was the final statement that had gotten the better of her. “I’ll be back. Believe me. Believe in me.”

Yes, she had heard it all before from the men who had walked out of her life at various stages. From Klingons to Bajorans to Humans, from fathers to lovers to husbands to captains, Sullivan had heard every form of “kiss off” there was in the universe. Some had been intentional, others were products of fate…. but the effect was the same. Feelings of abandonment, trust issues, devaluation of self worth, she really was a therapist’s nightmare. However, somehow through the years, she had managed to keep it all together. Sure, there had been some close calls. Sure, there were nights that she didn’t sleep and she knew that crawling through the bowels of her beloved Atlantis probably wasn’t the answer to her troubles. But hey….. whatever works, right?

It always came down to the Atlantis. The one thing in the entire universe that had never abandoned her. Even when she had witnessed its destruction with her own eyes and had felt its beams and supports crumble and disintegrate around her as it had died and taken the first Captain she had ever really trusted with it, it never really left her. Even when she had watched it explode in a bloom of light and color against the velvet backdrop of space, it had returned to her like a trusted lover and confidante. It was no wonder that her pulse practically beat in rhythm with the warp engines and her very mood seemed based on the ship’s condition. The Atlantis was the only thing that had ever left and returned for her…. until now….. until him.

The heat that reverberated between them was more intense than anything than she had ever known. Something indefinable had shifted within her and it seemed within him as well. Maybe the time away had been good for them. It had given them time to miss each other, to find out what it was like to know that they would not encounter each other either intentionally or not. There had been no fumbled requests for quiet meetings, no stumbling over her feet or the spilling or dropping of whatever was in her hands whenever he happened to be around. Weeks had gone by without the two of them sitting together in long silences, neither speaking, neither trusting themselves to say anything. It had given them time to come to the same conclusion or so it seemed. Suli had come to the realization that it wasn’t that she couldn’t live and function without him, but that she didn’t want to. She was feeling something, maybe it was passion, maybe it was love, but whatever it was she was still in control of herself.

She allowed herself to stay tucked between his thighs with his arms around her and just enjoy the contact that once they had been so afraid of. His body had changed slightly from the last time she had seen him. Zinthys had always been fit, but the Marine training seemed to have added a bit more muscle and bulk to him and not in an unpleasant way. There was more to it than that. He had gained a confidence and assurance to his always trustworthy demeanor. She felt…. safe which for the dark and brooding executive officer was indeed a luxury.

She felt him shift around her to take a more standing than sitting position as his hands moved up over the bare skin of her arms, warming them with his gentle yet firm touch. They journeyed upwards, lingering for a moment on her shoulders while giving them a gentle squeeze. She tilted her chin slightly upwards as they stroked the pale column of her neck and sent a slight tremor of pleasure through her body. Her eyes closed in a sign of trust. Soon, his broad hands cupped her face gently between his slightly calloused palms and he pulled her towards him. She could feel his warm breath against her cheeks as his lips brushed one closed eyelid and then the other in an intimate caress.

She breathed deeply, pulling the spicy tang of his scent into her and opened her eyes. His face was barely two inches away from hers and she moistened her lips reflexively. Without thought, her hands slipped between them, exploring the newly reformed terrain of his chest. Sparks of pleasure and excitement popped and bubbled in her blood as his right hand moved slightly to tilt her chin up.

As his mouth covered hers, her blood flooded with the deep, penetrating warmth reminiscent of the effect of a good Irish whiskey and it was just as intoxicating. They took their time tasting, feeling, exploring. rediscovering each other unaware and uncaring as to who in the lounge was watching. “Let them stare,” Suli thought to herself. “I’ve waited a long time for this and no one is going to take it from me now.” She waved a hand dismissively at Solitaire as her aide and personal assistant cleared her throat gently.

“Captain,” she spoke insistently. “Ma’am…. I hate to interrupt, but the Vice Admiral called for all hands to duty stations 10 minutes ago.” Holding up a garment bag she continued, “I have your things here, but you should still start making your way up there. You haven’t even met the man yet and I’d hate to see you make a bad impression on him from the start.”

Suli could feel, rather than hear the chuckle that had crept its way into Allen’s chest. “It’s not funny,” she groaned against his mouth as they disengaged their lips. “There’s so much that we have to catch up on.” She was surprised as Zinthys placed a finger against her lips, silencing her.

“And we have all the time in the world for that,” he whispered against her ear reassuringly. “But right now, I’m on duty and you should be in a captain’s uniform if I’m not mistaken.” He pulled back slightly and looked down at her. “Should I escort you to your quarters?”

“No need,” Suli said breezily as she smiled saucily. “We’ve got this down to an art. Going to the bridge?” As Zinthys nodded with bemusement and a tad bit of curiosity, she headed toward the corridor and the turbolift with Solitaire scurrying in her wake. “Come on,” she called over her shoulder. “You can catch a ride with us.”

The turbolift was empty as its doors hissed open and the three stepped inside. “You might want to stand back, sir,” Solitaire advised as the doors started to close and she had already begun unzipping the bag she carried.

“Bridge. No stops,” Sullivan ordered the lift and was already slipping her arms into the sleeves of the tunic that Solitaire had slipped from the hanger and was in the process of stepping out of her sensible, civilian boots. Without pausing to fasten it, her hands moved to the waistband of her pants and she quickly unzipped them. “Damn… why did I choose leather today,” she muttered as she peeled them down over her hips and over legs. “The last thing I need at this moment is clingy.”

“I don’t know,” Zinthys said with a lopsided smile as he admired the view of her firm, yet well rounded derriere and the length of her pale legs as they were slowly revealed from their leather sheath. His hands clenched reflexively as he wondered how it would feel to slide those sensible, cotton, StarFleet standard briefs off her and feel the smooth skin that lay hidden beneath them as he pulled her closer to him and…. he shook his head and smiled more broadly. “Clingy is good.” A deep chuckle reverberated in his chest as Solitaire looked up from her half kneeling position and shot him a dirty look.

Finally free from her civilian wear, Sullivan stepped into her uniform pants as Solitaire held them open, pointing each foot to slide it directly into the waiting StarFleet regulation boot. She straightened to fasten her tunic as Solitaire pulled her pants up and fastened them snugly around her waist. Suli reached up to make sure the hair going into her braid was smoothly in place as Solitaire ran her hands over the uniform, smoothing the creases and coaxing it back into its pristine lines.

The turbolift stopped and as the doors began to hiss gently open, Solitaire gathered the discarded clothes and shoved them into the bag that had once held the uniform and faded to the back. Suli straightened and smiled at Zinthys as she gave her tunic a reassuring tug.

“Efficient as always, Captain Sullivan,” Zinthys intoned solemnly as he gestured for her to precede him from the lift.

Sullivan nodded with a professional air and stepped from the lift onto the bridge. “Thank you, Major,” she returned with cool, even tones. As pleasant and welcome as the past was in the form of Allen Zinthys, it was going to take all her self-control to confront the man who was waiting for her to arrive. A man linked to perhaps one of the most traumatic events of Suli’s career. Vice Admiral Ian Blackthorne wasn’t just another high ranking official with the ability to make or break Sullivan’s career, he was the son of the Captain that Suli had left to die on the bridge of the Atlantis so many years ago. It was his father’s ghost that played hide and seek in her subconscious and psyche.

She was aware of Zinthys as he stepped to the tactical position and looked over the readouts but refocused her attention on the man who sat in the center seat of the Atlantis’ bridge. With fluidity and grace, she snapped to attention and saluted the Vice Admiral sharply. “Captain Sullivan Ruffian, at your service, sir.”