I Know
Posted on February 17th, 2021 by Scott Ammora

“You’re taking the first posting offered to you? Don’t you think you’re better than that?”

“If I felt I was better than that I wouldn’t have been intimately introduced to the walls of the holodeck two dozen times in the past hour.” Scott tossed another set of clothes into his duffle bag. “I’m not going to pretend that I’m some amazing warrior here, I’m doing the best I can. And I sure as hell don’t want to be posted in this hell hole for another six months.”

Wes Brock, all six-foot-four of his frame, sat perched on the bedside. His uniform slightly undone at the neck, his pips obscured by open cloth draped haphazardly on his right chest muscle. “The Atlantis, though? It’s literally the ‘A’. You talked about the Avalon… hell, even the Bismarck was higher on your list.”

“Wes, please don’t make this harder than it needs to be. And, let’s be honest, you know that I wanted a posting… wherever it may be. You can’t act like this is a surprise.” Another shirt, another pair of pants, and another exasperated sigh as the capacity of his travel bag reached a maximum. “You can transfer, you know.”

“And you could take a different position here.”

“It’s the Atlantis!”

“And this is Starbase 60!”

“Damn it, Wes, what the hell? Why are you fighting me on this? Why aren’t you supporting me? Why after three years do you not see that this is an opportunity for me?” The frustration had been building for weeks, months, almost a full year. It was high time that the issue came to a head. Scott was hoping that it wouldn’t be until after he’d left. It was easier to end a subspace communique than it was to tell his boyfriend in person how he felt. “Why don’t you support me?”

The warp core of Wes’ mind exploded. He was on his feet in a second. His eyes narrowed and his brow furrowed. His lip quivered – half in anger and half in unfathomable hurt. “Because it feels like you care more about yourself than you care about me! About us! About… god damn it… anything that even resembles our future… and that hurts.”

Scott tossed his final pair of socks into the bag, kind of. They slumped over the side, coming to rest on the comforter. “It’s the Atlantis. Flagship. On the front lines! Deep space… adventure…”

“Blah blah blah, Scott wants to save the universe.”

Scott rolled his eyes, “Or do something that matters. If I stay it’s going to be rinse, lather, repeat when it comes to cleaning the brig… which doubles as a storage unit. Organizing the armory, which half of which is a freakin’ storage unit! This isn’t what I signed up for. This isn’t what I wanted to do when I committed to serve Starfleet!”

“Because without explosions and the opportunity to die every damn day, every mission, every waking breath… without all that, you aren’t living?!” Wes stepped forward, toe to toe with his significant other, looking down on him with an intensity he had stowed so many times, “I do NOT get it.”

“And maybe that’s the problem.”

“Screw you.”

“And screw you too!” Scott clenched his fists. “Your world is constantly changing. Science evolves and there are new discoveries every day. You can go to work tomorrow and discover unfathomable data and information that can save untold star systems from plagues, planetary disasters, or the next strain of the common cold! I don’t have that! I can’t do anything of service here. I need to be out THERE. I need to do something that gets my blood pumping. I need to do… something…”

There was a silence that was deafening. They were each taking breaths. They were each contemplating what to say next. And yet, there was nothing. Wes sat down next to the love his life and put a hand on that of his partner. “I know.”

“This was like when you wanted to be at the Daystrom Institute. You aimed high, and it didn’t work. I aimed high and I just happened to get it. How can I turn that down? I can’t, Wes, I just can’t.”

“I understand.”

“Do you?”

“I know that you aren’t doing what you want to do. I know you aren’t happy here. I know that you think the galaxy is so much bigger than Starbase 60. And, on some level, I get that. And on others… I don’t.” Wes squeezed his love’s hand slightly, unsure of how exactly to proceed. Another moment of exhausting nothingness passed between them. The words were all there, between the two of them, but no phrases formed and the stillness lingered.

Scott moved the rogue pair of socks off the bed and into his bag. He zipped up the satchel and made sure it looked professional. “I can’t pass this up.”

“I know.”

“Maybe this isn’t the crowning achievement of my career… but I…”

“I know.”

“I need to…”

Wes put a hand on Scott’s shoulder. He turned his lover’s face to look at his, meeting his eyes in an understanding that only occurs between two people who love each other, and in that moment there was solace. He smiled at his younger companion. “I know. And I love you.”

It was that moment that brought Scott to tears. He was tired of the fighting, tired of the conflict, and was completely over the issues that come with a burgeoning career. He was, quite frankly, just tired. It didn’t mean he didn’t love the man before him, or that his love’s career meant less than his, but Scott knew in his heart of hearts that the choice to leave the Starbase and join Atlantis was the right one. For now, at least. And, through tear-soaked eyes, he returned Wes’ gaze. “I love you too.”

“Don’t die.”

Scott laughed through his emotion. “I’ll try not to.”

“It won’t be a holographic bulkhead all the time.”

“Stop,” Scott murmured, wiping the wetness from his cheek. “You know I’m feisty.”

Wes cleared the last remaining tear from Scott’s face, kissed him gently, and then cradled his favorite man’s face in his own hands. “That’s what I worry about.” And he smiled.

Another less-stressful silence occurred; this one was full of angst and love, passion and longing, but important all the same. Scott stood, grabbed his bag off the mattress, and slung it over his shoulder. He looked at Wes, blinked a couple of times and took in the sight of the love of his life, and inhaled a deep breath. “I should go.”

In that moment all the animosity faded away. It was just the two of them. The way they always wanted it to be. The way it always should be. There was a calm surrender to the new journey they were undertaking. There was a new beginning to the future of their lives – one that, unfortunately, wouldn’t include them seeing each other. And through it all, there was a mutual understanding… a mutual love… a mutual connection.

They kissed. Wes buttoned Scott’s collar and kissed him again. Wes smoothed out a wrinkle on Scott’s left shoulder and kissed him again. They met eyes again. No words. Just a look. After what seemed like an eternity, Scott nodded his head, shifted his weight, and headed for the door. There was a brief pause before Scott crossed the threshold into the corridor. He looked up, thought about his choices, and turned to gaze upon the man of his dreams once again.

“Go.” Wes said simply, a smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth.

“I love – ”

“I know. Me too. Go.”

And Scott did.