ENG2 Ensign Razyn Laner
Posted on April 23rd, 2018 by Razyn Laner

Laner stood on stage, microphone in hand, and a spotlight on him, as he looked out at the small audience in a comedy club in San Francisco, approximately a year before he was assigned to the Atlantis.

“Hello. M-m-my name is Razyn Laner and I am a St-St-St-Starfleet cadet with a stutter. So, I am from B-Ba-Bajora, and I traveled a lot, and I ju-just happened t-t-t-to get back from Ferenginar.”

A handful of the older audience members shook their head.

“Y-Y-You guys been there? S-S-S-S,” he paused,” S-S-Some of you?”

A few nodded.

“W-W-W-Well, you know Ferenginar’s an-an-an an interesting place be-because you can haggle prices like you can j-j-just argue,” he chuckles, “the p-prices. W-W-W-Which means when they say a number you can just g-g-go… no.” There was laughter, and a scattering of clapping.

“I’m in ch-ch-ch-ch-charge here. I-I-I-I-I just ac-ac-a-a-accept it that that’s how you do it in F-F-Feren-Ferenginar. I accept it. But-But-But haggling d-doesn’t work so well for me-me-me. Y-Y-You s-s-see, the key to haggling is-is-is you-you got to sound confident,” he gave an upward squeak, and shrugged, as the audience guffawed.

“Wha-Wha-Wha-What they are hearing f-from-from me, is that, it’s good, he’s n-not fluent in our language… or his.” A few of the linguistics professors let out an uncontrollable laugh. “I st-st-still tried though. I went up to one-one of the-one of the g-guys with the little carts, and I just th-th-threw out a number in th-th-th-th-their currency, and said one strip of la-la-latinum. No,” mild chuckled echoed the walls of the building.

“It was like, n-n-n-no. It’s-It’s-It’s th-three-three strips of latinum. I was l-l-l-l-legging it down. I was like, look, b-buddy, the-the highest up I can go is t-t-t-two strips of latinum. He-He-He was sold on that p-p-p-probably because he was tired. Or-Or-Or-Or-Or hungover.” A hearty laugh escaped a considerable number of people.

“As you kn-know, both are-are-are-are,” he paused to stop his stutter, “are worthless in the F-F-Fed-Federation. Something I did not take into ah-ah-ah-ac-account during this con-con-con-con-conversation. So this con-conversation in the Federation went, how ab-ab-ab-about… nothing?'” He paused, turned to face to his right, “No. It’s for n-nothing.” He looked to his left, “l-l-l-look b-b-b-buddy, the highest I-I-I-I can go, is nothing.” The audience roared, as he landed his final line, “The most I have ever p-p-paid for a malfun-fun-fun-functioning holodeck program.”