Holding On
Posted on October 3rd, 2017 by Csirr Velekh

Csirr sat on the wooden steps as he stared out across the golden fields. Orange and red wisps of light tangled in his dark fur and shone in his eyes, blinding him slightly. The young man did not care enough to move, however, and remained where he was, arms locked around stilted knees and holding them close to his chest.

“Ze?”

The voice from over his shoulder spooked him and, though he did not jump out of surprise, the tension was obvious in the lines of his shoulders. This time he heard the hinges of the old door grinding and the heavy footsteps in his direction. There was a pause as the feet next to him hesitated.

“May I?”

Csirr made a small noise of assent, moments later a large mass joined him, leaning forward with their forearms resting on their knees. The two figures sat in silence for a good few minutes, the Caitian staring into the fields and the other studying their counterpart. A deep breath signalled the voice’s return.

“It wasn’t your-”

Clenched teeth.

“Don’t.”

“Csirr-”

A hint of a growl.

“I don’t want to hear it.”

“There was nothi-”

“Would you just stop?!”

The Caitian threw himself to his feet and spun around, damp eyes attempting to glare holes the man sitting down, his teeth bared and his arms now wrapped tightly around his middle. His claws dug into his sides, slightly tearing the skin. Not that Csirr noticed.

“You know it was! If I had just acted a little faster, then-”

“Then the woman would’ve still died,” the man rumbled back, standing with his arms crossed and towering over the bipedal feline by almost a head. “Csirr, there was nothing you could have done.”

“You don’t know that!” Csirr cried, becoming slightly hysterical. “I was supposed to save her! That’s what I’m supposed to do!”

The man lurched forward, wrapping his arms around the sobbing Caitian and clutching him to his chest. The young man struggled but soon relented, shaking in his new haven and clutching at a well-worn shirt littered with holes.

It took a few good minutes for the Caitian to calm down and a further minute or so before he stopped crying. The man holding him drew back, strong but gentle hands framing Csirr’s face. Thumbs dried the damp fur on his cheeks and warm brown eyes stared into his own green and blue.

“Ze… You need to understand, you did all you could to save her,” he gentle rumbled. Csirr tried to turn away, but the man refused to let him. “You’re the reason she lived as long as she did.”

Csirr’s shoulders slumped in defeat and he averted his eyes. “I just wish I could’ve done more… I should’ve done more…”

The man facing him smiled warmly, small crinkles in the corners of his eyes. “You did more than enough. You gave her a chance to say goodbye when everyone else gave up on her.”

They stared at each other for a few seconds before Csirr sighed and leaned into the hands on his face. “Thanks…”

“No problem, ya overgrown house cat,” the man chuckled. “Someone’s gotta take care of Doctor Furball.”

Csirr huffed and tried to bat him away, but the man knocked it away and slid an arm around the feline’s slim waist. Csirr let out a small squeak as he was pulled closer, paws still clutching the front of the tattered shirt. Wide eyes stared up at smiling brown, the setting sun making them dance like fire.

Csirr didn’t know who leaned in first, but he soon gave up caring. A full minute passed before they even considered parting. When they did, Csirr buried his head in the tall man’s shoulder. A gentle vibration rolled in his chest as his tail mimicked the man’s arm, curling slightly up the back of his shirt.

“My sweet Ze…”

Csirr shifted slightly, nosing the man’s neck and relaxing at his scent, ears flicking contentedly.

“You’re a sap, Asiht.”

The Haliian chuckled.

“I know.”

————————————————————————–

Csirr sat on his bed, staring at the holo picture of Jehla, Asiht and himself, taken a week before he left Earth. He absently itched at the healing injury on his forehead and smiled wistfully at the figures flickering before him. He remembered clearly the first kiss he and Asiht had shared, saddened greatly as he remembered when they had the call it off after Csirr got posted on the Atlantis.

Neither believed they could sustain a good relationship so far apart. Asiht would never know whether or not Csirr would be in constant danger and Csirr couldn’t make Asiht wait for him. They cared too much about each other for that. They had remained closer than ever and knew they could always rely on each other.

It didn’t stop it aching though. Csirr missed him and Jehla greatly and called every other day, swapping stories –Csirr toned down the violence greatly– of their own little slice of the universe.

It was for the best.