Use Your Illusions
Posted on February 17th, 2016 by Kathryn Harper and Nakanishtalla Endilev

by Kathryn Harper and Talla Endilev

Dr. Talla Endilev frowned down at the PADD in her lap, her antennae twitching slightly, then back up at the troubled Risan woman sitting in the adjacent chair. This was their third session together, yet progress remained elusive. Her patient was obviously willing to try, but sometimes, the psychological damage wrought by the loss of those under your command in combat was exceptionally difficult to heal. Talk therapy alone wasn’t going to be enough for this trauma; she would have to go deeper.

“Commander Harper,” she began, setting the PADD aside, “I would like to propose a different kind of treatment for you, one that has been successful in treating acute cases like this in the past. It would involve the use of a temporarily mind-altering substance under controlled circumstances, combined with my guidance through the resultant immersive experience. Does this sound like something you’d be willing to try?”

Harper turned to look at the Andorian in surprise. “You want to give me psychedelic drugs? My mind cannot deal with this on its own?”

“Did you expect your body to deal with that on its own?” Dr. Endilev indicated Harper’s torso, where her medical records showed that she had been struck with weapons fire and damaged considerably. “An injury is an injury, even if it doesn’t bleed, Commander.”

The doctor had a point, and Kate was admittedly frustrated with the lack of progress their previous sessions together had generated. Since confessing her emotional struggles to Lexy, she had stopped drinking herself into oblivion, but that also meant that she could no longer retreat from her emotional turmoil into alcoholic stupor. The prospect of being out of control of her mind was unnerving, but at this point, she was growing somewhat desperate for respite from herself. “Point made. Alright, I will try, if you think this is best.”

Dr. Endilev nodded. “I think it’s the best next step, at least. I assure you, this treatment method has been used successfully in many cultures for centuries. You will be under the influence for several hours, but I will be present the entire time and Sickbay will be standing by and monitoring your lifesigns in case anything unexpected happens. We could do this as early as tomorrow morning, if you wish.”

“That is fine with me.” With some trepidation despite her decision to proceed, Kate asked, “Is there anything I should do to prepare? Where will this take place?”

“We will meet in Holodeck 3 at 0800 hours. Get at least eight hours of shut-eye before then. Eat your normal meals, but no food after 0630. Hydrate well and dress comfortably.” Dr. Endilev watched as her patient took note of her instructions. “Do you have any other questions for me?”

Kate shook her head as she stood to leave. “No. I will be there.”

=/\=

The next morning, Kate entered the holodeck with some anxiety, not knowing quite what to expect since she had never used hallucinogens before. Dressed as she would for a workout in black exercise shorts and a green t-shirt, she had followed the rest of Dr. Endilev’s instructions with regards to food, drink, and sleep. At dinner last night, she had informed Lexy of the planned treatment, and the scientist had responded with curiosity and encouraging support after assuaging her own concerns with a bit of impromptu research. Now, as she approached the doctor, Kate found herself sharing that scientific interest despite her apprehension.

Dr. Endilev was waiting for her in a setting rather similar to her office, but in a much larger space, with a pool of warm light emanating from a lamp between the chairs while the rest of the room faded into dimness. She began by situating Kate in the familiar overstuffed armchair and explaining the safety and security protocols, then going over what she could expect from this experience in great detail. Once she confirmed that all of Kate’s questions had been addressed, she engaged the secure lock on the door and administered the dosage. “This substance is very potent,” she cautioned. “You will begin to feel the effects within minutes.”

Minutes came and went, but Kate found her mind wandering out of boredom while she waited for some indication that the drug was working. As she drew breath to ask the doctor if she needed a larger dose, her eyes were drawn to a wrinkle in the fabric on the arm of her chair, gently undulating as if alive. She eyed it dubiously, fairly certain that it wasn’t supposed to do that, and a touch from her fingertip confirmed that she was seeing something that wasn’t real. She began to look around the room with unfocused interest, the lamplight seeming bright and surreal to her dilated pupils. As the unfamiliar experience took hold of her consciousness, she began to sweat and grabbed the arms of the chair, seeking some measure of stability. Her breath became heavier as her wide green eyes continued to study what only she could see, and despite the apparent fright shown by her physical form, she managed to say, “This is… fascinating.”

The counselor leaned forward, ready to use a sedative if necessary. “Just remain calm. Try to concentrate on breathing normally.” She kept her voice steady and smooth, projecting an aura of serenity. “Do you have any questions or concerns about what you are experiencing?”

Kate’s wild stare found the doctor, and her immediate response was a laugh. “Your hair is a cloud in a blue sky! …but why are there flowers growing out of it?”

“You mean these?” asked Dr. Endilev, reaching up to touch them. When Kate nodded, she dropped her hands and replied, “Just my antennae. Nothing to worry about. Do you remember why we are here, Commander?”

It took a few moments for Kate to answer the question, as she appeared to think about it for only a few seconds at a time while interrupting herself with illusory distractions. Finally, she was able to focus and sorrowfully respond, “My lost pilots.”

Dr. Endilev settled back into the adjacent chair, noting that the patient’s heart rate and respiration had normalized. “That’s right. But I’d like to begin by talking about you…” In the discussion that ensued as the hours passed, the doctor asked many questions – why she’d become a pilot, how she felt in the cockpit, what her reasons were for continuing such a dangerous career. These were all topics they had covered before, but when the answers poured out of her this time, Kate began to feel a spark of rekindled fire for the subject matter, as evidenced by a passion in her voice that had not been present in their previous sessions.

It was while these thoughts were swirling in Kate’s head that Dr. Endilev tapped on her PADD, and a group photo of all of the pilots under Kate’s command prior to the battle, all wearing their flight suits with their fighters in the assault bay background, was projected large in the space before them. “Do you think they felt differently?” The counselor’s voice remained serene, though her eyes watched carefully for Kate’s reaction.

The picture captured her wandering focus as it seemed to come alive while her actual surroundings faded away. The people in it moved around her, changing in size and position, as Kate found herself back in that moment; it had been such a good day, all smiles and encouraging butt-pats as they had completed a milestone training exercise. Kate could not keep from smiling along with them, despite her wet eyes, as the hallucinatory pilots began congratulating each other as they had done once the portrait was taken. Her recollection was so vivid that she could even smell the faint unpleasant odor of the locker room as the scene continued to play out around her, but the aroma was almost comforting. “They all loved to fly,” she fondly mused, enjoying the memory brought to life.

Observing that the stimulus had provided the desired effect, Dr. Endilev decided to push a little harder. She guided their meandering conversation toward viewing the situation from the perspective of a pilot and considering what that meant, such as establishing that risk is inherent in the profession and that pilots, as a rule, resent being grounded. Pleased that her patient was coming to productive conclusions, she gently coaxed Kate toward noticing for herself the contrast between the actual likely perspective of the lost pilots and the warped, dysfunctional view that she’d been stuck in since the battle.

“I was almost grounded by the doctors, but I fought to go.” Clearly lost in the scene, Kate gestured at the ephemeral people surrounding her and added, “Just like any of them would have.”

Encouraged by the progress, Dr. Endilev allowed her patient to steep in this moment of realization until Kate’s focus began to waver, then cued a new visual display. The image of the pilots faded, replaced with a tableau of a space battle, complete with tactical overlay. She calmly set the scene in motion and awaited a reaction, knowing the battle would be instantly recognizable.

Kate found herself floating in space as the scene wrapped itself around her consciousness. This time, she could fly about freely in safety without the need for a spacesuit. Mustangs and Peregrines clashed with Tzenkethi fighters while the capital ships engaged in their deadly fray. She even recognized particular Mustangs as they silently whizzed by her vantage point, and even to her altered state of mind this was unmistakably the second battle of sector 621. Atlantis passed below her, and she looked down upon the bridge, recalling how much she had desperately wanted to defend its occupants. “This was my place. I fought to be out here… and they would have, too. We all were defending our home.”

“But what about the risks?” the counselor inquired. “Even you were shot down… did you think that could happen? Had you not survived, would you blame your commanding officer?”

“No, I would not blame him, and of course I knew the risks. We all did. And had I died… I would not wish this misery on whoever would have replaced me as CAG.” The realization seemed to visibly hit her as she watched the battle proceed, gradually able to further internalize what she already knew, but had been unable to accept. One fighter had flown off, choosing to sacrifice himself to draw away fire from the rest of the wing. Another had made an unwise decision and ended up in a bad situation. With each loss she watched, she realized that there was nothing more she could have done for any of them. “They all knew what could happen and I could not have saved them; the battle was almost hopeless. I could not even save myself.”

Dr. Endilev allowed silent seconds to tick past before responding in a reverent tone. “All of you did your duty that day, though the cost was high. The noble acts of the Sharks saved thousands of lives.” She steepled her fingers and looked intently at the stricken Commander, preparing to make her ultimate point. “Do you still believe that the best way to honor the memory of those who were lost is to sever yourself from happiness and punish yourself for their fates? Do you think that’s what they would have wanted?”

Kate suddenly became absolutely still, as if paralyzed, while myriad emotions played across her face. As their final moments played back before her eyes, her mind conjured up each of their smiling faces as they had been in life, and what they would have wanted abruptly snapped into focus. The storm of repressed feelings that followed, ranging from terror to sorrow to fond reminiscence, was almost too much to bear. Finally, she managed to answer in a hoarse whisper, “No. They would want me to go on protecting what they died for, and to…” Kate’s eyes overflowed with tears that could not mar her vision of the fateful battle as she concluded, “…and to thrive.”