Intervention
Posted on January 13th, 2016 by Alexis Wright and Kathryn Harper

by Alexis Wright and Kathryn Harper

Despite the present awkwardness of these rare moments she got to spend with Kate, Lexy still cherished them. They were all she had, and she was reluctant to risk them by bringing up the elephant in the room – but as the days since they’d returned to duty became weeks, and Kate became ever more withdrawn and distant, Lexy began to feel that she had to say something. That if she let things continue as they were, she might lose Kate forever, which was not an acceptable option to her.

At first, she had worried that maybe Kate was no longer interested in her, but the fact that she kept coming around – albeit intermittently – dispelled that notion. The only other cause she could think of was that Kate was deeply troubled by something she didn’t feel comfortable talking about. The next logical step, by Lexy’s reasoning, was to help Kate feel more comfortable.

It was with this in mind as Kate stood to leave on this particular evening that Lexy took the plunge. She rose and placed her hands on Kate’s shoulders, seeking eye contact. “Before you go…” Kate’s sudden haunted expression worried her, but she steadfastly continued, “I’ve told you this before, but let me say it again. I won’t pretend to understand what you are going through. But please remember that you don’t have to do it alone. You have me now. Okay?” Blinking unbidden moisture away from her eyes, she pulled Kate into a protective embrace.

It was what Kate had been seeking, if only subconsciously, but the sudden offer of help gave her pause. Her instinct, as it had always been during the years since she had last been in a relationship, was to deflect. Now, she actively fought that urge as she began to speak, her voice tremulous. “Lexy, I am sorry that I have ignored you so much lately; it is not what you deserve. But you… you are not what I deserve, yet here you are. No – ” An abrupt sob and upwelling of tears choked off her sentence until her instinct reasserted itself and she finished, “I cannot do this now.”

Torn between a desire to be gentle to her lover and the fear that she was slipping away, Lexy agonized over how to respond. “Then when? Will it ever be the right time?” She shook her head, tearful eyes searching Kate’s stony face. “Please, please talk to me. If not now, soon. I… I’m so afraid I’m going to lose you.”

Even if she felt personally undeserving of the happiness their relationship had brought her, Kate could see the hurt that she’d caused in Lexy’s pleading eyes, causing the wall she had hastily erected to crumble. With a voice that had gained no steadiness, she said, “Alright… I am certain that you remember the breakdown I had on our first night together. I thought that finishing the mission my pilots died for would help, but I have only gotten worse since we returned.”

Lexy guided Kate back to the couch and sat, radiating concern. “Oh, Kate… I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine how difficult that must be.” In the silence that followed, she considered the situation with a sorrowful shake of her head. She took one of Kate’s hands before cautiously encouraging her to continue. “And you say it’s only gotten worse?”

Kate nodded, wiping futilely at her eyes. “I do not feel worthy of having survived, or of the happiness that has come since, with you. So I have been staying away from you for as much as I can stand, instead spending my time alone… drinking until it stops hurting.”

The admission caught Lexy entirely off-guard, and her initial shock turned quickly to dismay. “Kate, no!” She looked desperately for some hint that it wasn’t true, but Kate’s tears and the sick feeling in her own stomach told her otherwise. “Why?” Cupping Kate’s damp cheeks in her hands, she looked incredulously into the eyes of this person that she had grown to treasure. “Why would you do this to yourself?”

Gesticulating wildly, Kate began to hurriedly rant, “I must rebuild the fighter wing, but for what? To go die like the rest in a fragile machine far from home? My lost pilots followed me after I chose them, presumably believing my recruitment pitch that got them into the cockpit in the first place, and look how that turned out.” Kate’s speech became ever quicker and even more clipped than usual as anger filled her tone. “I am no better than they were, so why should I be allowed happiness while they were robbed of the chance? They followed me! I should have died with them!” She finally collapsed into soul-wracking sobs, her careful composure totally lost.

With an aching heart, Lexy tenderly pulled Kate’s head against her shoulder and held her there, stroking her back and making soothing noises while she wept. Her mind churned through the information in the meantime, urgently trying to solve the puzzle of the right thing to say. Several minutes had passed by the time Kate’s sobs had subsided, but she was no closer to finding the solution. Anna had curled up next to them on the couch, providing feline moral support.

“I think,” Lexy began carefully, “that it’s perfectly normal to experience grief and trauma in this kind of situation. But there are good ways and bad ways to deal with those feelings. You remember what a hard time I had coming back after the accident, right? Once I started going to my counseling sessions… well, they helped. A lot. I see that look you’re giving me, but hear me out…” She reached out and took Kate’s hands, hoping to convey her sincerity. “I’m really, really worried about you, Kate. Would you consider talking to the counselor? Please? For me?”

Kate’s bloodshot, puffy eyes found Lexy’s as she slowly shook her head. “It took all my strength just to tell this to you. I could not do it again, especially not to someone else.”

Lexy blinked in disbelief. “I’ll be here to support you, Kate. I know you can do this. I’ll even go with you, if you want me to. Or… do you see some other way out of this situation?”

Kate simply gave her a forlorn shrug and shook her head. “My intent right now is to resign my commission and just go home for a while, to sort myself out. You… I…” She paused, momentarily unwilling to confess her perception of the truth, but finally whispered, “You would probably be better off without me.”

Something snapped inside Lexy’s head, and her voice was hard and angry when she spoke. “So, what, that’s it? You just make that decision for me? You’re not even willing to try before doing something that drastic?” She stood abruptly, causing the cat to dart away. “After all you’ve been through, without even putting up a fight, you’re willing to just walk away from your life? From your career, this ship, your friends?” She softened considerably before adding, “From me?”

“Lexy, you do not understand…” Kate began, but Lexy forcefully cut her off, hot tears finally streaking down her cheeks. “No, Kate, YOU don’t understand. Don’t you see, dammit? I LOVE YOU! I can’t watch you do this to yourself, but I can’t lose you, either!” Kate stared at her in stunned silence as Lexy fell to her knees and buried her face in her hands, weeping helplessly.

After everything that had happened, Lexy loved her? She watched in horror for a few moments as Lexy cried on the floor, paralyzed while it struck her that she had unintentionally caused her best friend and lover to suffer. Her mind emerging from torpor, Kate realized that she had neglected their relationship since their return from shore leave, instead miring herself in self-loathing and guilt, but despite that, despite everything, Lexy still found her worthy of love? She slid down to her knees as well, her eyes once again brimming with tears, aghast at what she had done, and devastated that she had done it to someone she cared deeply about who was also crazy enough to love her nonetheless. And she had almost thrown it all away… but now that Lexy’s feelings for her were known, Kate could no longer bear the thought of leaving her.

Perhaps it was too late and she could never truly fix this, but Kate found herself surprised at how desperately she wanted to grasp the lifeline that Lexy seemed to offer. She closed her eyes, squeezing out the built-up tears that had blurred her vision, and consciously fought back the instinct to flee into the bottle’s merciful numbness. Kate finally decided that she owed it to Lexy, or maybe even to herself, since at least one person thought her life was worth fighting for, to try. She hesitantly reached out to touch Lexy’s hand, but withdrew, unsure if the gesture would be welcomed, and instead quietly offered, “Alright. I will go to see the counselor.”