No Matter How Hopeless
Posted on August 1st, 2015 by Alexis Wright and Kathryn Harper

by Alexis Wright and Kathryn Harper

Once Lexy had excused herself for the night, Kate had returned to the main house to explain to her parents that she would leave soon on a dangerous classified mission. They were understandably upset, but after two decades of being Starfleet parents, and given the day’s news of the President’s death, they accepted their daughter’s obligation to duty. Exhausted after the day’s emotional rollercoaster, Kate returned to the guest house and claimed the unoccupied bedroom. After dropping her bag onto the floor and shedding her clothes into an unceremonious pile, she killed the lights and slid into the haven of the bed’s embrace. It only took a moment before her mind drifted away toward merciful unconsciousness.

A soft knock at the door roused her from near-sleep. “Come in,” she answered automatically, not yet fully awake.

“Kate?” Lexy poked her head into the dark room. “Did I wake you?”

Lexy came into focus after a bleary blink at the door. “Only a little. Please, come in.” Light spilled in from the hallway. “Computer, lights, low.”

“I’m sorry,” Lexy said, her tone regretful, “I just didn’t think this could wait.” She slid into the room and closed the door behind her. Moving forward, she tentatively sat at the foot of the bed and looked at Kate, gathering her thoughts. “There’s something I need to tell you.” She opened her mouth to speak, but hesitated.

“What is it? Please, tell me,” Kate prompted, now fully awakened by the obvious importance of what Lexy had to say. Propping her head up with a fluffed pillow, she offered, “Do not feel that you have to keep anything from me.”

Lexy took a deep breath and began, “You know how we were talking about…” She stopped, and tried again, “The S.T.A.R. mission that you’re going on…” She stopped a second time, frustrated at her inability to put her thoughts into words. “I was invited to the same team. As Logistics Officer,” she finally managed to blurt out, then bit her lip in anticipation.

Kate immediately sat bolt upright in the bed, the sheet falling away. “What?!”

Lexy blushed and turned away from the sight of her new girlfriend uncovered from the waist up. “Umm… Kate? You’re sort of… naked.”

“What?” She looked down at herself and uttered, “Oh.” The abrupt subject change distracted her for a moment, allowing Kate to remember that humans have modesty, so she crawled out of bed to rummage around in her still-unpacked bag. Producing an ivory silk robe, she pulled it over her shoulders, then tied the waist closed and sat back down on the bed. “There. Now… what?!”

Peeking over her shoulder to make sure it was safe, Lexy turned back to face Kate. “Not that I don’t want to see at some point…” She trailed off as she spied Kate’s serious face. “Right. Yes. I was invited to the S.T.A.R. mission.” Proffering her PADD to Kate as proof, she nervously folded her hands and waited.

Kate took the PADD and read, its reflection highlighting her green eyes in the low light. She squinted as the real purpose of Lexy’s visit became apparent, and almost whispered, “You have already accepted.”

“Yes, I have,” Lexy replied, her voice much more firm than she felt. “I’m coming with you. And we’re going to make it back home safely. Together.”

“Lexy… why?” Kate began, her voice faltering a bit. “This mission is too dangerous. You could stay here… safe. Alive. You do not have to risk yourself.”

Lexy took another deep breath and then let it out, her eyes gray and stormy. “Because… I need to do this. I need to be there helping to make sure you come home in one piece. Don’t you see?” She reached out her hand, offering it for Kate to take. “Don’t think I’m not scared – because believe me, I am terrified – but this is just something I must do, for both of us. So I’m coming with you.”

Kate accepted Lexy’s hand into both of hers and lowered her forehead to touch it, a few hesitant tears escaping despite her efforts to contain them. “I was still a little drunk and crying over my lost pilots when I accepted that mission. My answer was partially born from guilt. I… damn it all, I should have died out there with them.” With a great sniffle, she raised her head and let go of Lexy’s hand to futilely wipe at her eyes.

“I told you that I am not suicidal, and that is true, because I do have so much to live for… but so did they! They made the sacrifice, and the least I can do to honor them is to follow through on the cause they died for until the end, even if it means my death. Because what makes me so bloody special to have survived when they did not? But you… oh, dear Lexy, you- you can not… you do not need to…” Her voice trailed off into sobs as she pitched headfirst onto the bed.

Lexy scooted forward and awkwardly wrapped her arms around Kate’s trembling form. “But I do need to,” she said softly, “I want to. I choose this.” She sighed. “I won’t pretend to understand the hell you’re going through, but you don’t have to do it alone anymore. You have me, now.” Stroking Kate’s back comfortingly, she continued, “I completely understand that part of you needs to do this. Please understand that part of me needs the same.” She blinked away tears forming in the corners of her eyes.

Kate’s wild, wet gaze pulled back and found Lexy’s. “It is my fault that they are all dead! You said yes because of me, and if you die too, I could not bear…” Her words were lost again as she buried her face in the bedsheet.

“It’s not your fault, Kate. You have to remember that those people had free will, and they made their choices. I’m also making a choice and it’s not your fault. Besides,” Lexy chuckled cheerlessly, “I am not planning to die.” She pressed her lips together into a grim line. “Like I said, we’re going to make it back home together.”

After a few deep breaths, Kate managed to get her face out of the bed and find her Starfleet Commander mode for a moment, although Lexy’s well-meaning attempts to assuage her guilt had not really been effective. “I have a whole list of people who also did not plan to die, but I still had to write letters of condolence to their families. This mission… well, I can not say it is more dangerous than what we just survived, but it is at least that bad. The odds are not in our favor and I need you to understand that.”

Lexy nodded, visibly shaken by Kate’s words. “I understand.” She drew a ragged breath as tears slid down her cheeks, falling to the sheet below. “All I’m saying is that I’d rather we faced those odds together than have you face them alone. You fought so hard to protect me – let me do what I can to protect you.” She swiped at her eyes, then gathered Kate up into her arms. “Please,” she whispered into Kate’s shoulder, overcome with emotion. “Please.”

Having to regain enough of her faculties to be sure that Lexy understood the risk had at least allowed Kate to realize that neither of their decisions could be changed. They were committed to this course and would have to make the best of it. “Alright, Lexy. Okay.” Kate squeezed Lexy tightly to her. “I do not like it, but it is not my choice, is it? You have your reasons and they are just as valid as mine.”

“Thank you for understanding.” Lexy closed her eyes and let the tears fall again. They clung to one another for a long moment, until she gently pushed Kate away from her, holding her by the shoulders and looking her in the eye. “Are… are you mad at me? Does this… change anything between us?”

Kate sniffled and wiped at her puffy, reddened face with her palms, then dried them on the sheet. Brushing Lexy’s chin with her fingers, she answered, “Maybe a little mad, for risking yourself, even though it is the same thing I am doing. But no, this absolutely does not change what we became today.”

Lexy relaxed, relief plain on her face. “Good. And was it just today? It’s been an awfully long day.” She wiped tears from her own face and stifled a yawn.

“Yes it has, but at least some good things came out of it.” Kate gently pressed her lips to Lexy’s and lingered there for a moment, then leaned back, remembering her own exhaustion. “Though it really was a lot for one day. We should sleep, so we can start a new one.”

“I was wondering if… maybe I could stay with you tonight? Just to sleep,” Lexy added hastily, color rising to her cheeks, “I just don’t want to be alone.”

“Neither do I.” Kate stood and smoothed the covers a bit, then got back in under the sheet and held it open for Lexy. “Please, stay.”

Lexy smiled shyly and crawled into bed next to Kate. “Computer, lights.” They wrapped their arms around each other, and before long, were both fast asleep.